I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
