I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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