I just cut my nipple shaving
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
