Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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