he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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