If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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