when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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