On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
