Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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