So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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