I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
