Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
