not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
