Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
