I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize