I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
