Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
