Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
