Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I didn't notice because vodka
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
