Will you blow on my dice?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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