Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
