I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
