the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
