Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
