I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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