Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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