The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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