shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
