Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
