dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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