after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
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