I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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