The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
