I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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