The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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