What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
