Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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