he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
PANTIES FOUND
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