the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
