My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is the high leading the old right now
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
