I must be too annoying 4 u.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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