We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
