Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
