everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
