I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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