I will die if light touches me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
