Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
