she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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