We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
