If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
