i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize