My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
