hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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