I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
