I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
