I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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