Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
