i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize