Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
