everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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