i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
