totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize