Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So. Much. Porn.
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