my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
