it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize